Believing in myself again: reflections of my past

​By Claire Rubio, 

​Believing in myself again, or maybe believing in myself for the first time ever, finding balance in my recovery and reflections from my past. Are they triggers or are they reminders of how far I have come? Perception, what am I going to do with my life today? How will I move forward while being haunted by my past? Does my past define who I am, or does it only make me better? These are the questions I would ask myself daily. Depending on the day I gave myself a different answer. I thought I was going crazy. How would I find normal, and what was normal? Who am I today without everything I have ever known? 

• Labels: Like many people, I put labels on myself. Technically I was a mother, however, I would frequently question whether I was a good mother or a bad mother. I am a drug addict. Was I going to have to feel ashamed for my entire life for this? I am a daughter, but I had not spoken to my mother in years. What kind of daughter am I? I am a sister, but haven’t seen or spoken to family in years either. I was a friend. I would question whether I really had friends or were they just acquaintances...or people I have used with? Other questions would arise such as: what kind of job would I have? The list goes on and on. What was I going to do with this life I had, especially now that everything was changing? These labels ran through my head over and over again.  
• Change: Change is hard, especially changing my life from what I am comfortable and used to. I was nervous to change and would ask myself “where do I start and how do I start?” This was all so overwhelming. Someone once suggested that I break it down--take it all on in pieces. I do not have to conquer it all in one day. I had started working the steps for my addiction, why wasn’t I applying these steps to all aspects of my life? 
• Step 1: I had to admit to myself that I was powerless to overcome my addiction. What was even more difficult was that my life has become unmanageable. At first, I thought I had to only admit my life was powerless through overusing drugs and managing life at the same time. Here I was months into my sobriety, and I realized I missed something huge. I did not know how to manage life with or without my addiction. My addiction was all I knew. I was completely and utterly powerless to my overwhelming thoughts and feelings. They were there. Thoughts and feelings ruled my every waking moment of life. Just admitting that I was powerless gave me a small sense of peace that there was a way out of the insanity I was feeling. What felt the strangest at the time was admitting my lack of control and power over everything in my life. I had received a new overwhelming feeling that I gained some bit of power in admitting to being powerless. I came to realize I did have a choice every day to just simply admit I was powerless and that I needed help. I realized if I could admit to myself that I was powerless, then I could admit it to others and in that I found I truly wasn’t as alone as I felt. This gave me a tiny glance at hope. 
• Steps 2 & 3: Coming to believe that a power greater than myself can and would restore me to sanity. Making the decision to turn my will and life over to a power greater than me. These seemed to come easy to me after realizing in Step 1 that I was powerless through that realization that I knew the power needed to go somewhere. It should go somewhere I trusted. I had not always trusted my higher power, whom I call “God”. I came to realize that it wasn’t God that I didn’t trust. It was myself whom I never trusted. Why would I trust myself? I only made unhealthy, clueless decisions that had created pain, chaos, and confusion to the people I loved and cared for, as well as for myself. So, I had a choice in turning it all over to God. Alone, I only made a mess with my life, so if I choose to give it over to God then I somehow knew he could make something beautiful from the life I had destroyed. Kind of like that song “Jesus Take the Wheel” 
• Steps 4 through 9: Through all of these steps that I took one at a time, I came to realize in step 4 I had to write down the wreckage ones again that held me hostage. It was not easy. Even though this wasn’t my first time working this step, I had decided to apply it a little differently this time. I took an inventory of my thoughts and negative emotions, how they were destroying me, and then how to find forgiveness within myself. In Step 5 I shared these with someone else. I remember asking myself why I needed to share them with someone if I was only hurting myself. I later came to realize how naive that thought was. I was hurting myself as well as anyone I loved and cared about or even just associated with. These people were cheering me on and my mental health was killing me as bad as my drug of choice was. Also, I came to realize that by sharing these with another person I wasn’t alone in my thoughts. I was not the only one who felt this way. This was baffling and another tender mercy from my HP. It was the message of connection and strength in trusting Him and others. From here I realized I could ask God to help me to remove these “defects of character”: the defects of negative thought about who I am and what I had done in my past. My HP showed me that I was worth something to Him as well to others. So why couldn’t I be worth something to myself? I then started to make amends to myself. I would write affirmations all over my mirrors and throughout my house. I would make a daily decision to talk to others daily about my thoughts and feelings. I started taking notice in the things I did good and stopped judging everything that I did was wrong, incorrect, or bad. Through this I started smiling on the inside, and I began to believe that I could do more with myself . For the very first time I started to feel happiness. I was forgiving myself.

Step 10 through 12: I started taking my inventory without fear and hesitation. I realized I would continue to make mistakes and that all I had to do was learn from them. I then realized the questions and insecurities I had asked myself in the very beginning: “Who am I?”, “Am I am a mother who makes mistakes but then learns from them and becomes a better mother than before?”, “Am I just an addict and wouldn’t change that even though that I found a better way of living with the daily strength and courage I have now?”, “I am a daughter, and what daughter is perfect?” I was a sister and I had the most amazing brothers that no matter how much time passes or whatever happens we would always be there for each other. I was a friend. Through this I was able to be there for others. I learned what service is and I learned how to trust again. My final big question was: “What would I become, what job would I have?” Well today I work for Renaissance Recovery as the office manager. I’ve worked in other aspects of the addiction field through the years and today my job is to be the best me I can be each day. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with kids or my husband. Other times I fall short at work or I forget to reach out to a friend in need. There are times I make mistakes and sometimes I feel completely derailed at life. But that’s just the point. Life is hard. I will continue to struggle, but through the struggle I grow, I learn, and I share because today I am not alone.