Less than Zero

By Shane Robison

Impossible.  That was a word I lived by throughout most of my life.  I could do nothing and accomplish nothing because I didn’t believe that I was capable.  No one had told me that I wasn’t and nothing in my life at the time suggested that I was incapable.  It was just a feeling that had always been with me since the time I was very young.  I don’t know where it originated from but nonetheless it was there.  I wasn’t as good as, smart as, strong as, and those were the thoughts embedded in every fiber of my being.  No matter how much people told me that I was talented and amazing, no one could remove the idea that I had in my mind that I wasn’t good enough and that life was going to be impossible for me.
            As I grew up and saw others excel in their lives and become what they dreamed of becoming I felt stuck in a rut.  I wanted to have what they had and be what they were.  I can remember several people that I knew if I was just like them then I would be happy in life.  If I could be as good looking, as strong, as outgoing, then I would be well on my way to a happy and successful like.  I knew that me alone, by myself, I was not enough.  I couldn’t understand how some people could have it all and I literally had nothing good to offer to anyone.  Everyone else had what it took in this life but not me.  Once again, these were thoughts that I grew up with.  I didn’t have anyone in my life suggesting that I was nobody or that I had nothing to offer.  It was my own mind that was playing these tricks on my and my own mind that was suggesting to me that these were the cold hard facts. 
            Years and years of living with these thoughts and feelings led to so much pain and sorrow.  I had been dealing with depression and anxiety my entire life and I didn’t know that there was another way to live.  I thought this was it and I was doomed to a life of feeling uneasy and uncomfortable in my skin.  At a very young age I found relief from these feelings by using drugs and alcohol.  As an addict this became the solution to all my problems and I turned to them for every emotion that I had.  I hadn’t learned how to deal with my problems and cope with life on life’s terms.  I just knew the quick fix and how to make it all disappear for hours at a time.  I soon lost myself and quickly began the path to self-destruction.  I thought that I was nothing before and now I had become an addict.
            I had simply given up on life because everything I wanted to achieve felt impossible to me.  I was full of fear and unwilling to try anything and especially anything new.  Because of my fear and unwillingness to try things, I missed out on so many things including the lives of my children.  They suffered severely because of my feelings of inadequacy.  I know today that all they wanted from me was my time and my love.  I thought I had to be the best at everything to be somebody to them. 
            Recovery from drugs and alcohol has given me a new pair of glasses to look through.  I see everything differently now.  All things seem possible if I am willing to try and give it my best.  If I face my fears, I can work through all things.  I don’t have to compare myself to other people because I am good enough just the way that I am.  Today, I have what it takes to be the best me.  I have talents that I thought I lacked.  I am blessed with so many different abilities that I didn’t think mattered when I was growing up.  Now I see them all for what they are worth, and they are priceless.  I still have fears in life but if I face those fears head on, having faith in my Higher Power then those fears are conquered.  I have a relationship with my Higher Power today.  I am in constant communication and accepting of the answers I receive. I often think today, how many people looked at me and thought I want to be him.
            Trudge the road, face your fears, love unconditionally, and believe the impossible is possible.  There is nothing impossible to him or her that will try.