​By Claire Rubio, 

​Believing in myself again, or maybe believing in myself for the first time ever, finding balance in my recovery and reflections from my past. Are they triggers or are they reminders of how far I have come? Perception, what am I going to do with my life today? How will I move forward while being haunted by my past? Does my past define who I am, or does it only make me better? These are the questions I would ask myself daily. Depending on the day I gave myself a different answer. I thought I was going crazy. How would I find normal, and what was normal? Who am I today without everything I have ever known? 

• Labels: Like many people, I put labels on myself. Technically I was a mother, however, I would frequently question whether I was a good mother or a bad mother. I am a drug addict. Was I going to have to feel ashamed for my entire life for this? I am a daughter, but I had not spoken to my mother in years. What kind of daughter am I? I am a sister, but haven’t seen or spoken to family in years either. I was a friend. I would question whether I really had friends or were they just acquaintances...or people I have used with? Other questions would arise such as: what kind of job would I have? The list goes on and on. What was I going to do with this life I had, especially now that everything was changing? These labels ran through my head over and over again.  
• Change: Change is hard, especially changing my life from what I am comfortable and used to. I was nervous to change and would ask myself “where do I start and how do I start?” This was all so overwhelming. Someone once suggested that I break it down--take it all on in pieces. I do not have to conquer it all in one day. I had started working the steps for my addiction, why wasn’t I applying these steps to all aspects of my life? 
• Step 1: I had to admit to myself that I was powerless to overcome my addiction. What was even more difficult was that my life has become unmanageable. At first, I thought I had to only admit my life was powerless through overusing drugs and managing life at the same time. Here I was months into my sobriety, and I realized I missed something huge. I did not know how to manage life with or without my addiction. My addiction was all I knew. I was completely and utterly powerless to my overwhelming thoughts and feelings. They were there. Thoughts and feelings ruled my every waking moment of life. Just admitting that I was powerless gave me a small sense of peace that there was a way out of the insanity I was feeling. What felt the strangest at the time was admitting my lack of control and power over everything in my life. I had received a new overwhelming feeling that I gained some bit of power in admitting to being powerless. I came to realize I did have a choice every day to just simply admit I was powerless and that I needed help. I realized if I could admit to myself that I was powerless, then I could admit it to others and in that I found I truly wasn’t as alone as I felt. This gave me a tiny glance at hope. 
• Steps 2 & 3: Coming to believe that a power greater than myself can and would restore me to sanity. Making the decision to turn my will and life over to a power greater than me. These seemed to come easy to me after realizing in Step 1 that I was powerless through that realization that I knew the power needed to go somewhere. It should go somewhere I trusted. I had not always trusted my higher power, whom I call “God”. I came to realize that it wasn’t God that I didn’t trust. It was myself whom I never trusted. Why would I trust myself? I only made unhealthy, clueless decisions that had created pain, chaos, and confusion to the people I loved and cared for, as well as for myself. So, I had a choice in turning it all over to God. Alone, I only made a mess with my life, so if I choose to give it over to God then I somehow knew he could make something beautiful from the life I had destroyed. Kind of like that song “Jesus Take the Wheel” 
• Steps 4 through 9: Through all of these steps that I took one at a time, I came to realize in step 4 I had to write down the wreckage ones again that held me hostage. It was not easy. Even though this wasn’t my first time working this step, I had decided to apply it a little differently this time. I took an inventory of my thoughts and negative emotions, how they were destroying me, and then how to find forgiveness within myself. In Step 5 I shared these with someone else. I remember asking myself why I needed to share them with someone if I was only hurting myself. I later came to realize how naive that thought was. I was hurting myself as well as anyone I loved and cared about or even just associated with. These people were cheering me on and my mental health was killing me as bad as my drug of choice was. Also, I came to realize that by sharing these with another person I wasn’t alone in my thoughts. I was not the only one who felt this way. This was baffling and another tender mercy from my HP. It was the message of connection and strength in trusting Him and others. From here I realized I could ask God to help me to remove these “defects of character”: the defects of negative thought about who I am and what I had done in my past. My HP showed me that I was worth something to Him as well to others. So why couldn’t I be worth something to myself? I then started to make amends to myself. I would write affirmations all over my mirrors and throughout my house. I would make a daily decision to talk to others daily about my thoughts and feelings. I started taking notice in the things I did good and stopped judging everything that I did was wrong, incorrect, or bad. Through this I started smiling on the inside, and I began to believe that I could do more with myself . For the very first time I started to feel happiness. I was forgiving myself.

Step 10 through 12: I started taking my inventory without fear and hesitation. I realized I would continue to make mistakes and that all I had to do was learn from them. I then realized the questions and insecurities I had asked myself in the very beginning: “Who am I?”, “Am I am a mother who makes mistakes but then learns from them and becomes a better mother than before?”, “Am I just an addict and wouldn’t change that even though that I found a better way of living with the daily strength and courage I have now?”, “I am a daughter, and what daughter is perfect?” I was a sister and I had the most amazing brothers that no matter how much time passes or whatever happens we would always be there for each other. I was a friend. Through this I was able to be there for others. I learned what service is and I learned how to trust again. My final big question was: “What would I become, what job would I have?” Well today I work for Renaissance Recovery as the office manager. I’ve worked in other aspects of the addiction field through the years and today my job is to be the best me I can be each day. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with kids or my husband. Other times I fall short at work or I forget to reach out to a friend in need. There are times I make mistakes and sometimes I feel completely derailed at life. But that’s just the point. Life is hard. I will continue to struggle, but through the struggle I grow, I learn, and I share because today I am not alone.

By Chasity Edwards SUDC

I once knew a girl who had given up on the world. She was trading her soul for anything that would numb her from feeling the pain of a life of dysfunction and trauma. She experienced pain from every angle starting very early on in life. She grew up in an abusive home and experienced every from of abuse: verbal, mental, emotional, sexual, physical, you name it, she knew it. Drugs and alcohol were predominant in her upbringing. She became the mother figure at an early age to her sibling’s secondary to her mothers addiction.
At age 15 she moved in with her boyfriend and got married at 16. Her then husband went to jail within weeks of them being married for a DUI, from a wreck where she was severely injured. Pregnant and alone she got back on her feet, worked multiple jobs and tried to rebuild her life. Her husband was in and out of prison and each time he would get out the story was the same, within weeks they had lost everything due to drug use. This carried on for years, her doing well while he was locked up, and losing everything when he got out. She had a good head on her shoulders, and her heart was in the right place, but eventually she got caught up in the life too and after her second son was born, she was doing the same things without him.
One day, she wakes up in jail and the weight of everything crashed down on her. Facing 13 felonies, both 2nd and 3rd degree, she had lost custody of her boys and was ready to give up. But, the one thing about this girl, is she is a fighter. She knew she couldn’t escape this life on her own. Everyone she knew lived this life. So, she did the only thing she could think of and asked the judge to help her. She wrote him from jail and told him she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay clean if he let her out. She pleaded to him to help her get control of this monster that had invaded her mind, body, and soul: addiction. She asked for help.
Someone heard her pleas, and she started to rebuild her life. She took live one day and one step at time, completed residential treatment and went to the homeless shelter upon completion. She lived in her car for weeks while walking to work because she didn’t have gas money. She saved up and eventually rented a house. She visited her boys in a different county every week and fought with everything in her to regain custody, and she did. She got re-married and had more kids. She went back to school to help others who face similar challenges. Now, thirteen years later she has built a life and career full of hope and faith. Land although life didn’t stop challenging her she faced each new challenge with hope and optimism.
I once knew a girl who most would look at with disgust and call an addict. They would say she chose drugs over her kids, and they would be right. They would call her a criminal. They would say she was lost and unable to change. I once knew a girl who was all of that, and now so do you. I am that girl.
This story is the reason I am not freaking out during this current crisis of COVID-19. Because I know I can combat this invisible enemy, regardless of what others do. I learned early on that with patience and gratitude anything is possible. I learned that there are almost always guidelines I can follow that will help me; this is true with the current crisis.
During this crisis of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are told by the suggested guidelines to go against everything we are taught in recovery: isolate, don’t participate in group gatherings, stay away from people, stay home, etc. We are taught in recovery to avoid isolating, to engage in social gatherings and stay connected.
So how do we support our recovery and follow guidelines? Here are my suggestions.

• Stay connected: reach out to your support group. Call them, have a conversation about anything! What you are struggling with, random things, make plans for the future. Host a watch party and watch a movie together. Use the resources you have to stay connected. Ask them a random question and then have a discussion about it. Ask them how their mental health is doing.
• Stay active: We may not be able to go to the gym or an exercise class, but we can still stay active. Go for a solo hike or walk. Get connected with your Higher Power in nature. Take an online dance or exercise class. Have you always wanted to learn how to salsa dance, watch a YouTube video. Take a virtual Yoga or kickboxing class. There are many resources for anything you want to learn.
• Meditate: Again, YouTube and other resources are available online for a multitude of meditation styles. Practice getting in touch with your senses. While going for a walk mindfully pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. For instance, feel the warmth of the sun or the coolness of the breeze. See the flowers blooming and the creatures enjoying the landscape around you. Smell the trees and flowers; is someone cooking something you can smell. Can you taste the fresh air?  Listen for the sounds of the birds, the sounds of the wind, etc. This form of meditation can be very grounding and spiritually connecting.
• Find a new hobby: Try your hand at crafting, start and finish a project. YouTube can be your best friend during this time. Learn how to play the guitar or how to create a budget.
• Journal: Take this time to connect with yourself. Write about your day, write about your hopes and dreams for the future, then write the steps you need to do to accomplish them. Write about your past pains and what you have learned.
• Shower and Get Ready daily: This is a basic self-care task, but one that can easily be overlooked during isolation. When we aren’t going out, it is easy to stay in your pajama’s all day. I saw this meme that said 9:00 PM is the official time to change from your day PJ’s to night PJ’s. It can be tempting to do this, but not following this basic step can play a major role in the decline of our mental health.
• Make a to do list: Write it down and check them off! Motivation can be a struggle all the time, but particularly when our routine has been disrupted. Challenge yourself to do at least 3 productive things daily. Pick three from this list or make your own.
• Get some Sun: Go outside daily. Sit outside and read a book. Sit outside and follow the above 5 senses meditation. Do some yard work. Sunshine can have a big impact on our mental health as well.
• Reach out if you are craving: Don’t hold it in! This time can get that committee in our head working overtime. Talk to someone. Reach out and be honest. Write about it. Read your old writings to remind you of your WHY. Ask for help, allow others to be of service.
• Get out of your comfort zone: Join an online meeting. Try something new. This is the perfect time to do something that gets you out of your comfort zone. We grow when we are uncomfortable.

 
These are some basic ways to help, and not an end all list. The most important thing I can impress upon you is DO NOT GIVE UP. You can do hard things, and together we can get through this stronger.

By Taz Decker 

​During the holidays it can be very easy to be distracted with all the festivities, events, functions, obligations and so on. This time of year seems to be difficult for those trying to navigate this time of year clean and sober. After all tis the season of glad tidings and good cheer, but for people in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction, the holidays can be an especially trying time to stay grounded, strong and sober. The important thing to remember is it possible! There are thousands of people in recovery enjoying sober holidays every year and so can you. Impractical expectations, finding ourselves over-committed, unhealthy eating habits can creep in, financial strain and overspending feeling like we must buy a gift for everyone and exhaustion can leave us emotionally drained. Travel problems and busy schedules can add to the stress, as well. You might be spending your holidays away from your addiction recovery support system and sober routines, which can make you more vulnerable to relapse. Holiday traditions, childhood memories and annual gatherings that are closely associated with drug or alcohol use can also tug at your emotions and put your recovery at risk. But there are ways you can prepare for this challenging season and safeguard the greatest gift you've ever given yourself and those you love, which is your recovery. Here are a few simple tips to help you avoid relapse and stay sober during the holidays and beyond.
 
Self-care is crucial
It is very important to take time for you during the holidays and self-care is the best way to stay centered. Self-care will allow you to delight in the holiday season and the abundance of your sober life by taking time for yourself. Appropriate nutrition, exercise and great sleep can do wonders for your well-being. The better you feel physically, the stronger you will be emotionally. Nurture your spirit as well through personal reflection and connection with those you love. Find some quiet time each day for relaxation and meditation—if only for a few minutes, no matter how busy you are. Let your spirit be your guide.

Have a sober game plan
Create a safety plan to protect your sobriety ahead of any holiday event and activity that could possibly trigger relapse to substance abuse. This may mean going to a Twelve Step meeting before or after the event, attending the parties with your sponsor or a sober friend, or making sure you can leave the event at any time and are not reliant on someone else for transportation. Your plan to stay sober could also include safety calls before-and-after telephone calls to someone in recovery. Feel encouraged to limit your time in stressful situations or around challenging people—and always have an escape plan. Much of relapse prevention is having an awareness of the people, places or things that could trigger trouble and planning strategies for staying sober given those predictable situations.

Helping others and serving
The holidays offer potent opportunities for spiritual growth by sharing your gratitude and joy with others. Bonding with others in this way can be a new experience that takes courage. But because you're in recovery from active addiction, you've already shown the ability for incredible courage and change. So, keep supporting your recovery. Look for ways to be of service to others. Serve a meal at a homeless shelter, reach out with generosity to a newcomer at a meeting, spend time with a neighbor or friend who is alone or struggling. There are many different ways to give back, pay it forward and be of service.

Manage your expectations and your mindset
Talk with your sponsor, a friend who understands addiction recovery, or a professional counselor about the feelings and hopes you have enveloped up in the holidays—especially if you find yourself repeating childhood experiences or memories during this time of year. Remember that your loved ones, coworkers and friends are probably feeling tired and stressed during the holidays, too. This awareness alone will help you adjust your attitude, lower your expectations and be forgiving of yourself and others. Instead of showing up at a holiday event feeling on edge or defensive, adjust your thinking to be open, accepting and optimistic. Ask yourself, what is the next right thing for me to do in this situation? It's also important to be aware that some people in addiction recovery are at risk to substance abuse relapse after the holidays. The increase of stress and anger that might come with the holidays can lead to justifications, denial and relapse. In other words, we can persuade ourselves that, taking into account what we've been through, we are entitled to drink or use. Sometimes, as alcoholics and addicts, we manage things better when we're in the middle of a crisis than afterwards. Remember, the disease of addiction is as powerful the day after a holiday as it is the day of and the day before. As we learn during addiction rehab and in the meeting rooms, recovery is a one-day-at-a-time endeavor, no matter the season.

Keep your wits about you, always know what you’re putting in your body
At social get-togethers, it might be helpful to always have a beverage in hand so people aren't constantly offering you a drink. When you order a beverage, pay attention to how it is being made. If you ask someone to get a beverage for you, he or she may not know your situation or might forget your request and bring you an alcoholic drink. If you by mistake pick up the wrong drink and swallow some alcohol, this doesn't mean you will automatically relapse. But watch for any justification that could creep in. Don’t trick yourself by thinking “I guess I can handle alcohol in social situations after all. Perhaps my period of abstinence taught me how to control my drinking." Do not go down that road. Instead, tell someone who understands recovery from drug or alcohol addiction about your experience as soon as possible. A mistake is not a relapse, but it can lead to one if kept a secret.
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Stay away from situations that will threaten your sobriety  
If you know a family member is going to grill you about rehab, and that conversation will make you uncomfortable then be prepared and have your response rehearsed and ready. If a “good friend” will try to mix you a stiff drink, stay away from them. If the New Year's party is really all about drinking or other drug use, make a short appearance or better yet don't attend. It is impractical in all of these scenarios to say, "I can tough it out and not use or drink." That's what Step One of the Twelve Steps teaches us, right? That we don't have the power. So, why put yourself in the situation of having to "tough it out" through obstacle course of relapse triggers? Staying sober and protecting your recovery must always come first.

By Chasity Edwards 
​
How is he/she doing? Are they doing ok? What is going on with him/her?
If you have a loved one in active addiction or recovery these are phrases, you get used to hearing. We spend so much time worrying about them that we often forget to “worry” about ourselves, and when others are focused on them as well, it can be hard to make that shift in our focus. We hear the term self-care often, but what does that mean, and how do we focus on self-care when we have someone who is in active addiction?
Every time I would talk to someone I hadn’t seen in a while I would hear this phrase “How is he doing?” And I would give them an update, or just say “Oh, he is ok”. After a while I started to get frustrated. Especially with family. I felt frustrated because no one ever asked how I was doing. How the kids were doing. We were the ones dealing with the wreckage he left in his wake. We were the ones left feeling every emotion while he got to keep drinking to numb his feelings. And I let that frustration fester until one day I said, “I am done worrying about you. It is time I take care of me.”
So I started trying to figure out what self-care looked like when you have a loved one in addiction. The media portrays self-care as a day at the spa, chocolates, or a bubble bath. But, I knew that wasn’t what I needed. While those things would help me for a moment, I knew I needed time to focus on my emotions and thoughts.
Self-care is vital to happiness. I found this out by finding happiness when the world around me hadn’t changed. I choose me. My self-care meant time at the gym most days of the week. It meant taking the time to journal and process my emotions, it meant figuring out what I was ok allowing to continue and what I was’t; and then setting boundaries that aligned with those things. It meant choosing to not eat and shop when I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It meant accepting my emotions. It meant long talks with myself and God, and long moments of listening. It meant giving myself permission to put myself first. This was the hardest one. Putting myself first. I have four kids. They should come first, this was the dysfunctional thought I had told myself for years. Realizing that by not putting myself first I was harming my children was a wakeup call. They already had one unhealthy parent, they didn’t need another. Giving myself permission to go to the gym after work was hard. It made me feel guilty at first, until I started seeing how happy it made me. In return, I was able to be happier at home and this gave my kids a happy mom. This was me putting my kids first.
So, what is self- care? Is it bubble baths and chocolate? Yes, it can be. But, it is so much more. Self- care, by definition is taking care of yourself. While it does mean eating healthy and being physically active, it has to be deeper to be effective. Anyone can eat healthy and workout and not be happy. Self-care is finding what you need to be happy and doing it. It is creating a budget, and sticking to it. It is setting goals and developing steps to accomplish them. Sometimes self-care is doing the dishes, and sometimes it means not doing the dishes. It is identifying emotions and talking about them. It is being true to yourself and authentic. It is choosing the path of happiness.
The one thing I realized in my process is self-care is not a one size fits all. It is a very personal path of self-discovery that can include an unlimited number of routes. Self-Discovery! What a powerful statement; and journey we can all benefit from.

By Taz Decker 

Creating healthy boundaries is crucial for developing a strong balanced relationship, and for our ability to give and receive love. In a relationship, boundaries are key to resolving conflicts and building a relationship that has been hampered by problems that have not been dealt with for years. Sadly, the idea of establishing boundaries has also been misunderstood and misused.  Often the result is increased isolation instead of increased love. This is not what boundaries are meant to be about. They are not intended to end relationships but to repair and deepen the relationship. Boundaries can be used for the benefit of any relationship, not to exclude others, an excuse for selfishness or self-righteousness, or as a means for fixing, punishing, or controlling others. I would like to talk about how we can set up healthy loving boundaries in a way that makes the relationship to your spouse grow stronger and deeper. However, we must keep in mind that there is no special formula for establishing proper boundaries, but it can be simple.  Here are some ideas that has worked for me.    
Some people have the idea that setting boundaries is a means to end discomfort in their lives. Setting boundaries in your relationship is not meant to make life easier and more relaxed, but at making it healthier and a more profound relational connection. In other words, boundaries are not a quick escape from discomfort, but an increased focus on a meaningful relationship. Suffering is often a necessary part of growth, I have heard “there is no growth in comfort and no comfort in the growth”. It is an important component of the procedure that helps us develop character and become more tolerant and accepting of others.  Through the struggle, if dealt with in the right way, can help us accept life on life’s terms. We will gain awareness around our limitations, give up control, learn to serve others, and learn to trust God, while becoming humbler. All this helps us become more whole, grow in our faith, and strengthen our relationships.  Almost all the processes that strengthen and deepen our relationships will involve some form of pain and discomfort, but it’s all worth it.
Those who have a difficult time setting boundaries will be tempted to jump from agreeing easier softer way to extremely rigid boundaries. Instead of confronting the issue lovingly, they go from silence about it to an ultimatum. I have found its best to try and find balance. Often a spouse, family member, or friend will have endured a specific behavior for years and having had enough of the behavior give an ultimatum, change right now or else.  And usually the consequence the is rather drastic.  Unfortunately, such an approach usually backfires severely instead of bringing about the solution they desire, as it makes the two of you adversaries instead of partners in resolving a conflict. If you don’t give them a chance to understand the problem that you have with them but confront with threats right away, they will only sense your anger, not that you have a genuine interest in resolving the issue. How would you react, if an ultimatum was placed before you the first time they talk about a weakness of yours? The purpose is not to shame them, but to help the relationship. Establishing appropriate boundaries is much more than just setting limits. It is a part of a spiritual and emotional growth process that shall bring you closer together – instead of driving you apart.
Consider the following elements when establishing boundaries in your marriage. 
Love is the key ingredient of any relationship. Love always wins. When you love someone, everything you do is for them, and nothing you do or say comes from a vengeful or punishing perspective. Before you establish limits, help them understand that you desire the best for them. The limits you have set may be painful, but your love balances the pain and replaces the fear, that may be triggered by your limits, with the hope what you do is for the best of your relationship.  Not all people respond openly to the love you show them. But be assured that your love reaches their soul even if they don’t show it.
Outside support.  Everyone needs to have friends or a support person, particularly in times of relationship conflicts. If you don’t have supportive relationships to other people, chances are that you will set no boundaries at all or that you will set extremely harsh ones as a response to your lack of feeling loved. Either way, you will not get the best result everyone wants.
Ownership. In a relationship, no problem is only the fault of one partner. This may be hard to believe when you see yourself as the innocent victim of someone irresponsible. But whatever the problem is, you will discover that you have contributed to it as well – even if your share is only a small portion. Perhaps you have not spoken up when you should have. Perhaps you have told others about your problem but have never gone directly to the other person with it. Humbly take responsibility for what you have done or failed to do, apologize honestly, ask for forgiveness, and make a sincere effort to change. If you own your part of the problem, they will not feel judged and put down by you and will be more likely to accept your boundaries.
Invitation. The first step in confronting should never be a limit, but always an invitation to change. Bring up the issue, clearly and specifically. Let them know how their actions affect you and that you want them to change because you want to be closer to them. Maybe they did not realize they always had a critical tone that hurts your feelings. Your loving request gives them a chance to empathize with your feelings and to repent. Of course, a request to change will not always find a positive response. But if you don’t even try, you miss a great chance to resolve an issue peacefully.
Warning. One of the biggest mistakes that you can make when establishing boundaries is not giving appropriate warning. If you just set limits out of the blue, they will feel ambushed and rightfully become angry at you. A warning, on the other hand, gives them a choice. Something painful may happen in the future, but their behavior will help determine what happens. Knowing what consequences, the future may bring helps us take ownership of ourselves.
Patience. A warning, if not done patiently, is an ultimatum. Sometimes, you may have a difficult time accepting irresponsible or controlling behavior. You want to see it changed and you want this sooner than later. You may not be so lucky. Only few people in the world can change immediately when they see their error. Try not to be critical if they fail or even resists the growth process. Be patient, they may need time to adjust to the new reality. However, that doesn’t mean you should be ignoring the lack of progress either. Silent suffering is not the same as patience but only an attempt to avoid conflict. Patience means providing the ingredients for growth while allowing them time to respond. This is how God deals with us, he allows you to grow at a slow pace, but he provides all the help you need.
Consequences. When all the above ingredients are in play and there still isn’t change, you may have to follow through with your consequences. Keep in mind however, that consequences have nothing to do with anger, revenge, or punishment. They are there to protect you and to help your loved ones deal with the reality of their actions. Be loving but be consistent too. Otherwise all you have done is nagging and letting your spouse have their way anyway.
Renegotiation: Boundaries don’t have to remain the same forever. They can be changed and even dropped altogether as your loved one matures over time. As you and your loved one grow, you will have less of a need to protect yourself and will be able to be closer to them. Renegotiate the rules that you have set in the past if you feel the need to, the fewer you need, the better it will be for your relationship.
Forgiveness: Finally, leave space in your relationship for forgiveness. If you don’t live in forgiveness, all you try to accomplish by setting boundaries can be severely hampered by blaming, judging, laying guilt trips on him, or being unable to let go of the past. Don’t give these attitudes a chance to grow – practice forgiveness day by day.
None of the above steps are easy. If they were, we would all do them automatically. As mentioned before, growth involves suffering. But this form of suffering gives us hope.

By Scott Corsi CSW

One amazing opportunity about working at a Renaissance Recovery is that I get to watch the progress of people who struggle with alcohol and drug addiction through the various phases of recovery. Sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes heartwarming, and sometimes heartbreaking. As clients take steps to recover they start to get in touch with their self-worth, family relationships are mended, difficult legal situations are made right, and various other amazing results can happen as part of recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. Unfortunately, the opposite sometimes happens as well. As I’ve watched this process over and over I’ve begun to see common denominators with those who find success in recovery. Two of these are vulnerability and connection.
       When someone starts substance abuse treatment they are asked to begin taking certain steps to ensure their success in recovery. As part of drug and alcohol treatment clients are asked to complete self-searching assignments about their lives as part of group therapy. They then share some of these completed assignments with the group. Clients are also asked to attend individual therapy to support them during this process. By taking these steps clients can address issues that have kept them stuck in their addictions. They are also able to challenge negative self-beliefs that have held them back. Those who seem to find the most success in this process are the ones who are very thorough and detailed in their assignments, are very open and honest with others about their addictions, and are willing to take suggestions from others. Through this process the clients invariably experience vulnerability and find connection. It is not enough however to have this experience in treatment only. They also need to experience vulnerability and find connection in their community as well.   
       In addition to group and individual therapy they are also asked to take other important steps to address this issue. The first is to attend support groups in the community. These could be Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, LDS 12 step, USARA, or other meetings. Next the clients are asked to keep in regular contact with others in recovery to gain support from them. Finally, the clients are asked to find a sponsor or mentor. At first many people are hesitant to attend support groups in the community and to reach out to others. But as they do so it becomes easier. In this area those who seem to find lasting recovery are the ones that this process stops being a chore and becomes something they enjoy. Again, as they are willing to risk they experience vulnerability and find connection.
       As I’ve seen these specific things bring success for those in recovery I have begun to wonder about the how and why of it all. I have found a couple TED talks that explain the relationship between vulnerability and connection very well. The first talk is by Johann Hari called “Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong” (https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs). The second is by Brene Brown called “The Power Of Vulnerability” (https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o). Both of these talks alone are very good and worth listening to but together they have answered the “how and why of it” for me.
       Johann Hari’s talk “Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong” references the rat park experiment and Portugal’s decriminalization of drugs. The rat park experiment is a variation on the experiment where they took a single rat and gave it a surge of heroin when it would tap on a lever. In this experiment the rat would always end up overdosing and dying. In the rat park experiment they gave the rats the option of drinking water with morphine. But in the rat park experiment the rat was not alone but with other rats to interact with. They also had as much food as they wanted and things like tunnels and running wheels. Given this social environment the rats stopped overdosing.
       When Portugal decriminalized drugs they stopped incarcerating people for having small personal amounts of any drug. These individuals were referred to panels of experts to help dissuade them from using illicit drugs. If someone found themselves in this situation repeatedly they would be referred to some type of substance abuse treatment. They also took some of the money that they were spending on incarcerating people for drug possession and spent it on trying to integrate them back into society with things like helping them obtain employment etc. Using this model Portugal has seen many improvements. For one, rates of new cases of HIV have decreased significantly. Overdoses have also plummeted as well as IV drug use overall. After considering these two models the conclusion that Johann Hari reached was that “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection”.
       Brene Brown’s talk referenced her own research on connection. As she did this research a theme came up over and over which was shame. She defined shame as: “the fear of disconnection…Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it that I won’t be worthy of connection?”. We as humans have an innate need for connection. Shame is so debilitating when it comes to recovery in that when we experience it we likely feel disconnected and it also keeps us from trying to connect, the very thing we need. So, if the opposite of addiction is connection the equivalent of addiction would be shame. If we are to find recovery from addiction, we need to find connection and reduce shame. In her research Brene Brown was able to determine the bridge from shame to connection is vulnerability. We need to be willing to risk by letting others see our real selves. This is easier said than done as vulnerability requires real risk.  One definition of vulnerability is: “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”. In vulnerability there is real risk but there is also a real payoff which is connection. The steps of recovery previously mentioned are a blue print for this process of vulnerability and connection.
       Ultimately through this process we experience love. We learn that our deep dark secrets aren’t as dark as we thought. We find others who can relate and that have had similar experiences. We find that as we share our story we give others permission to be vulnerable and share their stories as well. We find healing in our relationships. And in the end, we find ourselves connected.